it's the most nostalgic time of the year

well perhaps not the most, but i'm feeling damn nostalgic right now. and not necessarily in the idealizing, viewing the past through rose colored glasses way. no, this is much harsher and i've actually come to believe that i was quite foolish in my youth. and let's just say that my youth incudes everything up until 3 minutes ago.



i'm not sure exactly what triggered the nostalgia. it could be me reading old journals, especially from around the time me and my boy originally got together. it was such a crazy time, doing all these things i had never done before and feeling like a rebel for one of the first times in my life. i didn't know what to think of someone really showing interest in me and pursuing me, however half-hearted it sort of was.

or it could be the calendar reading november, the month i spent in a rather ill-fated relationship last year. it was a short but extremely intense relationship, one in which i went through all the typical phases, just sped up a few notches. by the time the month ended, i was ready for the relationship to be over, like it had to be limited to the month of november and no more. and i'm thankful now that i had that experience, of being with someone different and trying someone else on for size. because after it was over, i was much more appreciative of what i had had in my past relationship and also very grateful to be single again. if gratitude is the first emotion you feel after breaking up with someone, that's probably a sign that it was good to end that relationship.

it could also be that it's been over a month since i last saw my tater and it'll still be almost two weeks until i see him again. our longest separation of these few months apart this time and it's been tough. talking on the phone and email, as close as these things keep us, are still such inadequate means of communication. i feel like i just can't express what i'm trying to say and i get much more impatient when we have such little time to share and so much about our daily lives that needs sharing. it's frustrating to deal with someone you care about so much on such a superficial level. so i'm ready for that to be over. after thanksgiving, it's only a month until we're together. and this time, it'll be for real.

it's scary to think about. being with him full time, not just when i'm on vacation and i have no real responsibilities. but with him when i'm on call for 20 hours, with him when i have shelf exams to study for, with him when i'm tired and cranky and busy. i've never been with him through any of these circumstances and i don't know what will happen when he's here. plus the fact that he still hasn't been able to sell his place and he still hasn't found a job here, it all makes me rather nervous. but i guess we'll just have to hope everything falls into place. and honestly, i've led such a charmed life so far, what's to say it just won't continue?

so now two clerkships are done, four to go. i must say, i really enjoyed neurology for many reasons, not the least of which was my intern who freaking loves neurology. he was born to be a neurologist. and certainly also worked with a lot of people who seemed much more disgruntled and much less fired up about their jobs, but good ol' nick kept me inspired that one day i'm going to find something that makes me excited to wake up each morning and keeps me going all day long. i think i might have found something that comes close already, but i don't want to jinx it. we'll just have to wait and see...