Being a mother has changed every part of who I am.  When I was pregnant, plenty of people (both people I knew and complete strangers) tried to tell me how different I would be from this experience and how being a mother makes everything different.  And I nodded my head and smiled, because I'm polite, but I didn't really understand what they meant.  But it was incredible, the moment my little baby was born, the moment that I pushed her in to the world, I started to feel like I got it.  It was that fast.  That moment when I heard her voice scream and she drew her first breath, I started to feel the change.  The flood of emotion that hit me when she first came in to this world was incredible.  There was so much relief (of making it through labor), indescribable joy and definitely a certain fear that hit me all at once.  I couldn't believe that this tiny helpless beautiful creature was mine.  Was part of me and when we left that hospital, we were going to take her with me.  Just as the first breath that a baby takes closes her PFO (hopefully) and the circulation through her heart changes instantly, so did I feel the transformation that her first breath was having on me, my body, my soul and my psyche.  Since Nora's birth, I've viewed the world differently.  I've heard song lyrics and understood them differently.  I've seen brighter blue skies and greener grass than I've ever seen before.  It's like falling in love for the first time, because, well, it is.  Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and my brother and my husband and my dog (and my cat on some days) but there is no love that comes close to the love I have for my daughter.  Maybe I shouldn't even try to compare them because they are completely different emotions. Perhaps I shouldn't even be using the same word.  I don't know what to call it but whatever it is, it feels almost crazy and uncontrollable sometimes.

Nora was born nearly 10 months ago.  In that time, she has already started to become a person.  She has her own distinct personality and wants and desires.  She is sassy and stubborn (hmm, wonder where she got that from) and funny and adorable.  She already knows how to manipulate me to do what she wants.  She is so amazing and so beautiful that sometimes when I look at her, I feel my heart hurting with love.

Having Nora has made me understand my own mother so much better.  My mother and I had never had a great relationship.  I'm still not as close with her as I see a lot of other mothers and daughters.  I was always closer to my father.  We seemed to understand each other better and butt heads less.  But now, since Nora was born, I can understand a little bit about why my mother did what she did.  And I have such an appreciation for how much she sacrificed for my brother and me.  She gave her life to us and there's no way I could ever repay her for that.  But I can show my appreciation for her, which I try so hard to do now.

Being a mother has also taught me so much about being a pediatrician.  Trying to be a sufficient doctor for someone else's baby is such a privilege.  I can understand so much better the crazy parents who call in the middle of the night or the overprotective parents who are mean and rude to the provider when their kid is sick.  If Nora were sick, I would have no explanation for my behavior.  Even just a simple venipuncture last week for a CBC/lead level was traumatic for me.  To watch her cry and scream and squirm was so painful for me.  I could barely stand it and yet it was no big deal, just a routine thing for everyone else involved.  But to see Nora's face go from trusting and innocent to red and angry and pained was one of the worst things I've ever had to see.

Being a mother means opening your chest up and allowing your heart to walk around unprotected.  I know that I can only shelter my daughter so much and one day, she will not want my protection anyway.  But until that day, I will fight for her in any way I can and heaven help anyone who tries to hurt her.

Back in the saddle?

Much has changed in the last 19 months since I last wrote in or looked at this blog.  In fact, I think this could possibly be the most active 19 months of my life (aside from maybe the first 19 months).  I have gotten pregnant, carried that pregnancy to term, delivered a healthy baby girl, lost all the weight from that pregnancy plus a bit more (a total of 50+ pounds!), graduated from residency, started my chief resident year, applied for fellowship, interviewed for fellowship, matched to my top choice, supported my husband and watched proudly as he graduated with his Master's degree.  It has been an exciting and fun time in my life, certainly left no time for blogging.  But through that time, I have read others' blogs and been absolutely fascinated by the window that it allows one to peek in to someone else's life.  I follow blogs of people I barely know, of those whom I consider good friends and of people I've never met.  Nate makes fun of me and says that I stalk those I've never met but reading their blogs is interesting and having that certain anonymity is fun and exciting.  Plus I can be overly harsh and critical without having to see them ever.  That's a good outlet for that part of my personality.

I've considered many times over the last year and a half of restarting my blog.  Of writing again on a regular basis.  The truth is, I love to write.  I love the feel of my fingers on the home row keys, of the possibility that rides in those fingertips, of the words that can come pouring out.  I love the melodious quality of a well-written sentence or turn of phrase.  I love trying to convert my thoughts to words that I can share with others.  I think it's a good exercise for my brain, to work that other part of my brain.  So I'm going to try to start blogging again.  We'll see how it goes.  No promises, maybe this blog will just be a good place for me to come on those days when I need to share and my fingers are itching to participate.