it's the most nostalgic time of the year

well perhaps not the most, but i'm feeling damn nostalgic right now. and not necessarily in the idealizing, viewing the past through rose colored glasses way. no, this is much harsher and i've actually come to believe that i was quite foolish in my youth. and let's just say that my youth incudes everything up until 3 minutes ago.



i'm not sure exactly what triggered the nostalgia. it could be me reading old journals, especially from around the time me and my boy originally got together. it was such a crazy time, doing all these things i had never done before and feeling like a rebel for one of the first times in my life. i didn't know what to think of someone really showing interest in me and pursuing me, however half-hearted it sort of was.

or it could be the calendar reading november, the month i spent in a rather ill-fated relationship last year. it was a short but extremely intense relationship, one in which i went through all the typical phases, just sped up a few notches. by the time the month ended, i was ready for the relationship to be over, like it had to be limited to the month of november and no more. and i'm thankful now that i had that experience, of being with someone different and trying someone else on for size. because after it was over, i was much more appreciative of what i had had in my past relationship and also very grateful to be single again. if gratitude is the first emotion you feel after breaking up with someone, that's probably a sign that it was good to end that relationship.

it could also be that it's been over a month since i last saw my tater and it'll still be almost two weeks until i see him again. our longest separation of these few months apart this time and it's been tough. talking on the phone and email, as close as these things keep us, are still such inadequate means of communication. i feel like i just can't express what i'm trying to say and i get much more impatient when we have such little time to share and so much about our daily lives that needs sharing. it's frustrating to deal with someone you care about so much on such a superficial level. so i'm ready for that to be over. after thanksgiving, it's only a month until we're together. and this time, it'll be for real.

it's scary to think about. being with him full time, not just when i'm on vacation and i have no real responsibilities. but with him when i'm on call for 20 hours, with him when i have shelf exams to study for, with him when i'm tired and cranky and busy. i've never been with him through any of these circumstances and i don't know what will happen when he's here. plus the fact that he still hasn't been able to sell his place and he still hasn't found a job here, it all makes me rather nervous. but i guess we'll just have to hope everything falls into place. and honestly, i've led such a charmed life so far, what's to say it just won't continue?

so now two clerkships are done, four to go. i must say, i really enjoyed neurology for many reasons, not the least of which was my intern who freaking loves neurology. he was born to be a neurologist. and certainly also worked with a lot of people who seemed much more disgruntled and much less fired up about their jobs, but good ol' nick kept me inspired that one day i'm going to find something that makes me excited to wake up each morning and keeps me going all day long. i think i might have found something that comes close already, but i don't want to jinx it. we'll just have to wait and see...

rain rain go away

i'm having some serious post-vacation letdown. i guess this always happens when i get back from a vacation but i think it's more pronounced this time for several reasons:
1) this was the longest vacation i've had in awhile, almost a week out in the LA area and then las vegas.
2) my brother just got married last night. paint me green and call me gumby, i can't believe my brother is married now!
3) even though my vacation away is now over, i still have a week before anything of substance starts. usually, i'm right back into school or the hospital after a vacation, but this time, i still have a week left of research elective, which is mostly independent research. which means i have to be self-motivated in order to get anything done. uh oh is right.
4) the weather here is really crappy right now. it's raining a ton, which i normally like. but i've been in sunny and beautiful southern california and right now, the rain doesn't seem so charming.

but alas alack, as much as i hate to admit it, a lot of it is because i'm apart from my man friend again. and after planning this trip for awhile, now it's over and it's just me and scruples again. not that i don't love scruples, but it's a different kind of love, you know.

looking back on this past week, it really was a great vacation. we got to see nate's grandparents out in california, which i think was good for all of us. nate's grammy isn't doing so well but she really seemed to be doing better when she saw nate. and while nate was spending time with her, i spent time with his grandpa jack, who really just needs someone to talk to more. since i haven't heard all of his stories yet, i just served as someone to listen and chat with. again, it reinforced my desire to work with the elderly. it feels so great to be able to spend time with someone and know you can make such a big difference in his/her life just by listening and not interrupting too much and then adding something here and there.

wow, and then my brother got married. the ceremony was simple and short and to the point and while i was initially upset that i wasn't part of the wedding party itself, i think the role that i filled in the end was good for me. i announced the couple and gave them a toast on behalf of my family and i didn't have to wear the bridesmaid dress, which would have looked not at all good on me. plus i got to do all the girly things i never get to do, like wear tons of makeup and get my hair done up with dozens of bobby pins and a gallon of hairspray. which was fun for one evening but is something i'm glad i don't do on a regular basis. when nate first saw me with all the makeup on, his reaction was less than favorable. somewhere between a retch and a squeak. but i felt the same way, it didn't even look like me in the mirror. i looked like some strange hybrid between barf from spaceballs (you know, half man half dog, he's his own best friend) and a character from memoirs of a geisha. not the best look for me.

it was great to see all my family and a lot of them were even dancing at the reception. i've decided that the prototypical chinese dance to american music is the twist. the one universal dance move to every song, no matter the beat, was something like the twist and the driving a schoolbus dance. it was hilarious.

oh and nate got the garter. notice i didn't say caught. my brother threw it into the crowd and everyone ducked out of the way like it was harboring the plague and then it just sat there on the ground. so like the good boy(friend) that he is, nate picked it up and withstood all the jeering that went along with it.

so a good time was had by all, i didn't do any of the vegas activities (i just don't have the heart or the stomach to gamble) but i had a good time with nate, my family and delphine's family. now she and my brother are off for thailand...sounds awesome.

when i started this blog, i was in a period of transition. i guess that's sort of a stupid thing to say because aren't we all always in transition? but i think this was even more significant than most times; between 2nd and 3rd years of medical school making the transition from the classroom to the wards; between living by myself and having a roommate again; and little did i know, from being single to being wholly involved again.

don't worry, that last one definitely took me by surprise too.

i can't really explain how everything happened and be able to sleep at all tonight but suffice it to say that my current relationship is due mostly to two things: prometric testing centers and wilco. oh, and probably alcohol to some extent, but really not as much as one would think. and despite all the cursing and vowing and pain suffering that occurred this time last year, i am back together again with the love of my life.

am i crazy!???! do i have incredible long term memory problems that help me forget the depth and the acuity of pain i felt at his hands at this time last year? well, yes and no. what i've learned is that people can change, we can all learn lessons and it's good not to make ultimatums in life.

but i must say, 3 months into round 2 with my ground tuber, it is an interesting anniversary of sorts to recognize this past weekend. to think about how much has changed and how much i've learned since this very same weekend last year is pretty astounding. and you know what, i can remember the pain that i felt when all this went down last year and while i would never wish for it to happen again, i do feel that the lessons i learned and the person i have become because of it has somehow made it all worth it. i'm not going to speculate on what life would be like had it not happened, but it did, we've moved on, we've created something better, and for that, i am so eternally happy.

sometimes, life surprises you and makes you glad you're alive. thank you life

new goals

forget medicine. forget trying to save the world. forget even the boards.

my new goal in life is pictured at left.

glen hansard. he's hot, got a beautiful voice and, as james says, he's exactly my type.

now if only mr hansard felt the same about me...

my flabber is so gasted

arguably, one of the most prestigious and well-respected professions in our society today is medicine. while other fields have undergone scrutiny for a perceived lack of morals (law), suspicion for alterior motives (politics) and vast underestimation and underpayment (education), the medical profession has by and large remained admired and respected by a majority of the population. we who are lucky enough to be able to be a part of this selective field work extremely hard to earn and maintain our roles within this profession. most people recognize how difficult being in medicine is, from getting into medical school to being accepted into a residency program. then how in the world is it possible that the exam that is widely recognized as the single biggest hurdle to receiving a medical degree doesn't have a back up plan??!?

ladies and gentlemen, i bring you the everlasting wisdom of the united states medical licsencing examination, step 1.

i realize that the switch to all electronic testing is a big step and one that i'm sure was taken with enormous foresight and planning. i'm sure that the powers that be made the transition into electronic testing with trepidation, knowing that the technological marvels by which we live our lives could quickly and easily come back and bite us in the collective ass.

and this week, they've taken a huge chunk out of the hindquarters of the prospective medical community of rochester ny.

the one testing center in town is experiencing some kind of irrevocable, catastrophic meltdown and thus, they've been closed all week. at this point, they are now saying that the earliest they'll be able to re-open is friday. which means four full days of testing are lost. i'm not sure how many people that center can accomodate, but it means that the busiest week of testing for rochester medical students has been wiped clean. and it's not like rescheduling is a cakewalk since students schedule their exam dates months in advance. all the centers within a five hour drive of rochester were booked (some places until july) as of a couple of hours ago; i know because i checked.

i understand that errors happen, even catastrophic ones. i understand that the people who work at the center deserve neither our wrath nor our tears because they are probably just as frustrated as we are. and i understand that this is beyond anyone's control and that no one is really to blame.

but really, how in the hell is there no back-up? how is there no plan B? how is it that even though everyone knows how fallible computers are, no one has come up with a reliable backup option for the USMLE? how hard would it be to have a paper copy? for such an important make or break examination, how can computers be the only option? i refuse to believe that the benefits don't outweigh the potential downfalls of having a paper copy on hand.

for me, everything has worked out ok. i found one testing slot open for friday in colorado springs, so i'll be able to make my flights ok on thursday and take the exam on friday and not miss out on too much of my vacation. but for many others, they've had to change travel plans; a friend of mine has had to reschedule his exam for syracuse, meaning he had to reschedule all his flights home and he'll be missing a family wedding. and, simply put, that is unacceptable. with all the stress surrounding such an important exam; shouldn't we be able to at least pick a date and stick with it?

years from now, this will merely be an anecdote to throw out there during residency interviews, a footnote to my medical education. but right now, it's a little hard to swallow. and for a profession that prides itself on its integrity and professionalism and seeks to be on the cutting edge of ingenuity, it's dropping the ball right now for its future generation.

reality check

so after my joyous post about my coffeeshop cutie, i went in the next day and had the longest conversation i'd had with him yet. and then he played suspicious minds for everyone to hear (well at that point, everyone was him, me and i think one other person). but we had a connection. we talked, we laughed, i told him i wanted to buy his record...it was great.

but then today, it was back to normal; sure a little banter but nothing out of the ordinary. i think our golden moment together is gone...that's ok, i was starting to feel a little too much like a desperate stalker anyway. but i do love his voice and i'm still determined to get my hands on his album at some point.

and now, back in reality-land...prometric testing services has turned against us. somehow, due to some computer glitch that i will never truly understand, they've had to cancel those taking the boards both today and tomorrow. and who knows about wednesday. shitballs, this is a big deal. a huge deal. because the only reschedule dates that are available in rochester aren't until july 10, the day after we start third year rotations.

are you kidding me??

so what are the options?

call the testing service and hope that there is an opening at a testing center somewhere within driving distance. poor emily, our flight is thursday so she's scrambling, hoping that the gods will come through and she'll be able to take her exam tomorrow. if not...it looks like we might be going down to colorado springs next monday and then leaving for utah from there. not exactly ideal but you gotta do what you gotta do.

how in the hell is there no backup to the computer system? how is that possible? this can't be the first time this has happened and it most assuredly won't be the last time. so how is there no other option for people than to reschedule? don't these people understand what kind of forethought and planning goes into scheduling a test date? do they have any idea at all?

if it were me (which it almost but not quite is), i'd be freaking out right now. tantrums would be thrown, tears would be shed, blame would be placed. but of course, with emily, the calm cool collected one, she's realizing that none of those things would be very productive so, of course, she's being mature and rational and just realizing that things will work out how they work out. one way or another, she'll take the boards, blow them out of the water and get into the very best residency program possible. which is good, because she's going to be taking care of me and my family for the foreseeable future, and we lees demand the best medical care possible.

incidentally, i spoke to the ex this evening sort of on a whim. i had talked to jess already and i just wanted to check in and see how things would work out for seeing him this weekend. and of course, towards the end of the conversation, i was once again thankful that we are no longer together. he is incapable of any kind of certainty in any of his statements and he is.....soooo.....slow....like painfully so. and then, right at the end of the conversation, right when i was ready to hang up, he did it. he gave me that little giggle, that little guttural hiccup of joy that always made me want to take him in my arms and smother him when we were together. and that made me remember why i was with him for so long, why i endured the inconceivable lack of urgency with which he tackled all tasks, from tying his shoes to ordering off of a menu. it was because i loved him.

thank god that's over.

the object of my affection, part 2

just as a warning, this is a relatively long story leading to a very short (but joyous) event.

i'm convinced that in order for anyone to have any connection to a city, one must have their spot. it doesn't matter what the place it, but it's the place they go to without thinking, whether it be a store, a restaurant, a grocery store or in my case, a coffeeshop.

i'm not sure why i feel such a connection to this coffeeshop, maybe because it shares a name with my last home, a place that i recall with complete and utter happiness. maybe because it opened its doors right around the time i moved to town, thus we share the same residence time here in rochester. maybe it's because it has had its share of adversity as have i, even though the truck that hit me was only in a proverbial sense. maybe because it's a five minute bike ride from my house. or maybe, just maybe, it's because of the really cute guy that has worked there ever since the beginning. why don't we call him EC (for eye candy)

from my first time in the coffeeshop, i noticed EC, so cute and cool behind both his thick brown beard and the wooden bar covered in locally baked delectables. serving each customer with ease and a smile, he was someone i looked forward to seeing, someone whom i immediately had a crush on but i realized would serve only a passing role in my life. so that if my life were ever turned in to a movie, the guy who played his role probably wouldn't even be in the credits. but he was there nonetheless, brightening that part of my day that would otherwise be occupied solely by the glumness of studying.

i took a break from my coffeeshop for a few months this past winter for many reasons; the guy i had been dating was also a regular there and i wanted to avoid as much as humanly possible the awkward run-in (although it did happen once and because it was so packed, we were forced to share a table). also, they put in new doors after the aforementioned truck ran into the front of it and those things were damn drafty. so if it was 20degrees outside, it was only a smidgen warmer inside and, it turns out, my southern-raised brain doesn't really function in the frigidity. but also a contributing reason was that he wasn't there any more. when i did drop by to study for a few hours, he was never there. sure, the people who worked there were always nice and polite but there was something about him. so when he wasn't there, neither was i. i just figured my timing was off, that he was working different shifts than he used to, and it wasn't that big of a deal, i knew that in due time, i would find another anonymous crush to never say anything of substance to.

that changed a bit once i started studying for the boards. i started going back to my coffeeshop, more than ever in fact. and he reappeared, one morning, yawning unabashedly and saying that he just started working mornings again, something i truly understood. so we would exchange pleasantries, i would revel in his cuteness and then scuttle off to my table to immerse myself in cytokines or whatever the topic of the day was.

but today, things were a little bit different. instead of working behind the bar this morning, he was playing a gig out back on the patio. i saw the signs so i planned to take a study break and listen to him play for a little while. like a true townie, he isn't just an employee at the local coffeeshop, he's also an artist, a musician trying to make it. i love that, it takes me back to my days working at clocked! in downtown athens, with all the townies trying to make ends meet while they chased their dream of musical...what? fame? fortune? or was it just the process that mattered? anyway, i could go on for awhile, but the fact remains that EC also sings and plays the guitar. and while i had heard tell of him playing around town, i had never actually heard him play before today. i'm not sure why, i love listening to local music and i clearly would look at EC all day if i had my druthers. maybe because i didn't want to ruin the facade of his perfection. because if wasn't a good singer or musician, what would become of my goal-less and yet important crush?

but i faced that challenge today, and let me tell you, EC is more than just eye candy. the boy is talented. he has an amazing voice, one that covers octaves and emotions with ease. he sat there, on the second landing of the stairs leading to the upstairs apartment, with his aviator shades, his guitar and his magic hat no. 9 and he bared his soul. it was beautiful. i listened to the first set with a smattering of other people on the back patio, feeling amazed to be in such a setting with EC. but then he took a break, i realized it was almost 2:00 and i had to get back to studying. so sadly, i missed the 2nd set.

anyway, this all leads up to what happened later in the evening. as a part of the jazz fest, rusted root was playing a free show outdoors at east and alexander so a bunch of us took our bikes and went. and it was packed. i went to toots and the maytals last night and i thought it was crowded, but there were easily three times as many people (including some kids from penfield's ultimate team) there tonight. so as we were making our way closer to the stage, fighting our way through the huddled masses, who should i see from across the distance but EC...what are the odds? and before i knew it, there he was in front of me, smiling and saying, "hey, how ya doin?" and in my infinite wit and coolness, all i managed to mutter was a very awkward "hi."

story of my life. i actually get acknowledged by someone i've had a crush on for nearly two years, and all i manage to do is croak out "hi." i'm sure that left an impression.

but let's focus on the positive. he recognized me! he acknowledged me! and while i'm sure he doesn't actually know my name or anything about me other than that i'm a medical student who likes to ride her bike, i'm still in his realm.

wow, i'm still reveling. those five little syllables uttered from his lips have pretty much made my night. it's a wonderful thing to be easily amused and an active imagination.

the object of my affection

well truly, that would have to be my cat, scruples. she is an overweight, short-tempered, lazy, complaining bitch and i love her incredibly. i willingly let her scratch and bite me (i say it's out of love, but we all know the truth here) and i'm not entirely convinced she isn't spending her days planning my demise while she pretends to be "sleeping." she's sitting here right now, on the off chance that i'm going to forget that i already fed her for the day and maybe put a bit more kibble into her plastic green bowl.

she wasn't always on the brink of having feline metabolic syndrome. in fact, when i first got her from lollipop farms, she was quite underweight, at just under 9 pounds. the vet said i should just feed her as much as she wants, partially to get her more comfortable in my house and partially so she would be less worried about where her next meal would come from. well she stopped worrying a long time ago and by the time i took scruples back to the vet about two months ago, she had gained over 6 pounds. that's right, she weighed in at exactly 15 pounds. this was enough of a weight gain for the vet tech to sit me down and explain to me how grave a situation i had created for scruples.

but never fear, i understood the situation and faithfully cut her back to 2/3 cup per day. and scruples has not forgiven me since. she wakes me up at 3:40 if i let her roam freely about the house and at 5:50 now that i've banished her to the downstairs at night. i wake up every morning to the sound of her little paws scraping against my pocket door, squealing over the injustices of hunger i have sentenced her to. when i finally come downstairs to relieve her aching belly (which incidentally nearly touches the floor as she strolls about the house) she turns her back on me, leading me straight to the aforementioned green bowl, hoping against hope that i'll fill it up even more this time.

i know what it's like to be hungry and i don't want my little devil cat to feel those pangs. but it's for the best. for her, for me, for her hip joints...but it sure does make me guilty when i eat. inevitably, i eat more than her and as i'm preparing something for myself and i look down at her huge eyes filled with curiosity and maybe some jealousy, i feel i have to justify my eating habits to her. i tell her that i just went for a run or played frisbee for two hours or that i'm just plain bigger than her and thus need more sustenance. i don't know if she understands and accepts my gluttony or if she just adds it to the long list of reasons to take me down when i least expect it.

this could be a bad idea

inspired by my friends who have shared their thoughts and ideas in such fora and eager to enter this new generation of electronic communication, i have created this blog, which i expect (and maybe even hope!??) few will ever read. having never been a part of facebook or myspace or even instant messaging, i don't really know what to expect from this new-fangled piece of technology known as blogging. if i don't tell anyone about it, will it be a complete secret from the world? will i then be able to record all of my feelings without fear of anyone actually knowing them? will this blog end up being the electronic version of that damn tree in the forest that can't seem to stand up on its own?

regardless, entering into the blogging world at this point in my life can be nothing but a bad idea. i have 8 days until i take the boards, followed by two weeks of unfettered vacation time and then (cue scary theme music) five weeks of surgery! so why am i starting this blog now when i have plenty of other things to focus on? maybe it's because i'm fully aware of how lonely my life has the potential to become over these next few months. maybe it's because i know that over this next year, i will be making some huge life-defining decisions and i want to be able to go back somewhere down the line and figure out exactly how those decisions actually got made. or maybe because i'm much faster at typing than writing long hand and thus, i never write in my journal anymore. well...hard tellin not knowin