Being a mother has changed every part of who I am. When I was pregnant, plenty of people (both people I knew and complete strangers) tried to tell me how different I would be from this experience and how being a mother makes everything different. And I nodded my head and smiled, because I'm polite, but I didn't really understand what they meant. But it was incredible, the moment my little baby was born, the moment that I pushed her in to the world, I started to feel like I got it. It was that fast. That moment when I heard her voice scream and she drew her first breath, I started to feel the change. The flood of emotion that hit me when she first came in to this world was incredible. There was so much relief (of making it through labor), indescribable joy and definitely a certain fear that hit me all at once. I couldn't believe that this tiny helpless beautiful creature was mine. Was part of me and when we left that hospital, we were going to take her with me. Just as the first breath that a baby takes closes her PFO (hopefully) and the circulation through her heart changes instantly, so did I feel the transformation that her first breath was having on me, my body, my soul and my psyche. Since Nora's birth, I've viewed the world differently. I've heard song lyrics and understood them differently. I've seen brighter blue skies and greener grass than I've ever seen before. It's like falling in love for the first time, because, well, it is. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and my brother and my husband and my dog (and my cat on some days) but there is no love that comes close to the love I have for my daughter. Maybe I shouldn't even try to compare them because they are completely different emotions. Perhaps I shouldn't even be using the same word. I don't know what to call it but whatever it is, it feels almost crazy and uncontrollable sometimes.
Nora was born nearly 10 months ago. In that time, she has already started to become a person. She has her own distinct personality and wants and desires. She is sassy and stubborn (hmm, wonder where she got that from) and funny and adorable. She already knows how to manipulate me to do what she wants. She is so amazing and so beautiful that sometimes when I look at her, I feel my heart hurting with love.
Having Nora has made me understand my own mother so much better. My mother and I had never had a great relationship. I'm still not as close with her as I see a lot of other mothers and daughters. I was always closer to my father. We seemed to understand each other better and butt heads less. But now, since Nora was born, I can understand a little bit about why my mother did what she did. And I have such an appreciation for how much she sacrificed for my brother and me. She gave her life to us and there's no way I could ever repay her for that. But I can show my appreciation for her, which I try so hard to do now.
Being a mother has also taught me so much about being a pediatrician. Trying to be a sufficient doctor for someone else's baby is such a privilege. I can understand so much better the crazy parents who call in the middle of the night or the overprotective parents who are mean and rude to the provider when their kid is sick. If Nora were sick, I would have no explanation for my behavior. Even just a simple venipuncture last week for a CBC/lead level was traumatic for me. To watch her cry and scream and squirm was so painful for me. I could barely stand it and yet it was no big deal, just a routine thing for everyone else involved. But to see Nora's face go from trusting and innocent to red and angry and pained was one of the worst things I've ever had to see.
Being a mother means opening your chest up and allowing your heart to walk around unprotected. I know that I can only shelter my daughter so much and one day, she will not want my protection anyway. But until that day, I will fight for her in any way I can and heaven help anyone who tries to hurt her.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Back in the saddle?
Much has changed in the last 19 months since I last wrote in or looked at this blog. In fact, I think this could possibly be the most active 19 months of my life (aside from maybe the first 19 months). I have gotten pregnant, carried that pregnancy to term, delivered a healthy baby girl, lost all the weight from that pregnancy plus a bit more (a total of 50+ pounds!), graduated from residency, started my chief resident year, applied for fellowship, interviewed for fellowship, matched to my top choice, supported my husband and watched proudly as he graduated with his Master's degree. It has been an exciting and fun time in my life, certainly left no time for blogging. But through that time, I have read others' blogs and been absolutely fascinated by the window that it allows one to peek in to someone else's life. I follow blogs of people I barely know, of those whom I consider good friends and of people I've never met. Nate makes fun of me and says that I stalk those I've never met but reading their blogs is interesting and having that certain anonymity is fun and exciting. Plus I can be overly harsh and critical without having to see them ever. That's a good outlet for that part of my personality.
I've considered many times over the last year and a half of restarting my blog. Of writing again on a regular basis. The truth is, I love to write. I love the feel of my fingers on the home row keys, of the possibility that rides in those fingertips, of the words that can come pouring out. I love the melodious quality of a well-written sentence or turn of phrase. I love trying to convert my thoughts to words that I can share with others. I think it's a good exercise for my brain, to work that other part of my brain. So I'm going to try to start blogging again. We'll see how it goes. No promises, maybe this blog will just be a good place for me to come on those days when I need to share and my fingers are itching to participate.
I've considered many times over the last year and a half of restarting my blog. Of writing again on a regular basis. The truth is, I love to write. I love the feel of my fingers on the home row keys, of the possibility that rides in those fingertips, of the words that can come pouring out. I love the melodious quality of a well-written sentence or turn of phrase. I love trying to convert my thoughts to words that I can share with others. I think it's a good exercise for my brain, to work that other part of my brain. So I'm going to try to start blogging again. We'll see how it goes. No promises, maybe this blog will just be a good place for me to come on those days when I need to share and my fingers are itching to participate.
Friday, February 4, 2011
sporadic, at best
more than a year has passed since my last post. here I am again at work with little to do but an obligation to stay awake and I didn't bring my knitting or crocheting to keep my fingers busy. instead, i've spent time surfing the web, reading up on my patients and still, it's 9:16 pm and not a lick to do. so i'm making a trip to the past. reading up on past versions of myself. it's been a pleasant stroll down memory lane.
to update my current status; I'm now a second year resident. actually, officially past the halfway point of my residency. which is both cool and frightening to think about. I'm on call in the PICU, a place that terrified me initially but somewhere I've grown accustomed to and somehow, comfortable in. Granted, it's been made much easier the second time around since the census is less than half of what it was during my first month and I actually have something of a clue of what the hell I'm doing. for the most part. i still maintain a healthy respect for my ignorance, don't get me wrong, but at least I feel somewhat comfortable with many parts of patient care.
i've been thinking a lot recently about how little I knew when I decided to take this life path. i try to picture myself back in my 21 year old shoes, a senior in college, due to graduate with degrees in political science and french in less than two months. no clue with what I was going to do with my life but assured that i squeezed the most out of my college experience. and then the concept hits me...why not be a doctor? i had been curious about it. I had considered it in a joking kind of way. but then, in the span of less than a week, I decided to do it. I extended my graduation date, changed life trajectories and finished pre-med. and then i got swept up in this whole concept of becoming a doctor and I felt like I couldn't look back. Like every time i thought about it, i felt too far along to change paths again. and I had no idea what i was getting myself in to. I had no idea how long the path would be and even what the final reward would be in the end. when I chose the pre-med route, I had no idea what the difference was between attending, fellow, resident, intern; I don't even think I knew those terms existed. and now that I do know, it boggles my mind how long this training path is. not including years off, I will have been in training for 16 years following high school graduation.
16 years.
to achieve what? certainly not fortune. my med school loans sometimes feel like an anvil on my chest or a bug in my ear, driving me crazy and crushing me under their weight. plus I have decided to go in to the worst paying specialty of them all. and i'm most likely going to go into the one of the worst paying sub-specialties as well.
certainly not fame. it's difficult to achieve any kind of wide-reaching notoriety as a doctor.
certainly not personal one-on-one care. these days, actual patient care is more often provided by nurses, nurse practitioners, physician assistants, physical therapists...pretty much everyone in the allied health profession besides doctors. as doctors, we are now relegated for the most part to teaching or research roles. pure patient care is becoming a thing of the past. it can be difficult these days to find a job purely based on taking care of patients and not requiring any kind of auxiliary services.
certainly not life-work balance. many women in this profession can't find the time or energy to be both good doctors and good wives/mothers. many women feel frustrated trying to choose between their careers and their families. shoot, I find it hard enough to spend quality time with my husband any my dog much less think about trying to start a family.
I'm really not trying to complain. honest. but working 80 hours a week, getting paid relatively little and occasionally being treated like I'm stuck to the bottom of someone's shoe really gets you down after awhile. in an overarching sense, I'm happy. I like my job. I like my co-workers. I like where I live. I love my family. but in talking to nurses and others around me, I sometimes wonder if I would have been better off pursuing that career. being a nurse seems awesome. you care directly for patients. you can be full time and work three days a week. you can travel and get paid pretty well. you can convert your job in to teaching or research or whatever you want it to be. you can switch specialties within nursing pretty easily. and you can do it all with just four years of an undergraduate degree. that's it. no additional school, no internship/residency/fellowship pathway. really the only drawback is that you have to deal with bullshit from doctors, many of whom have far fewer years of experience. and you don't ever get the final say about patient care. that's a pretty big sticking point for me. i like to be in control. or at least live under the illusion that i'm in control. and nurses do not usually have that power.
so is it worth it? i think so. like i said, i really am happy in real life. it's the thoughts that run through your head at night. when you're on call in the PICU again. and you just want to be home on the couch snuggling with your husband and your pup. that's when the doubt creeps in.
to update my current status; I'm now a second year resident. actually, officially past the halfway point of my residency. which is both cool and frightening to think about. I'm on call in the PICU, a place that terrified me initially but somewhere I've grown accustomed to and somehow, comfortable in. Granted, it's been made much easier the second time around since the census is less than half of what it was during my first month and I actually have something of a clue of what the hell I'm doing. for the most part. i still maintain a healthy respect for my ignorance, don't get me wrong, but at least I feel somewhat comfortable with many parts of patient care.
i've been thinking a lot recently about how little I knew when I decided to take this life path. i try to picture myself back in my 21 year old shoes, a senior in college, due to graduate with degrees in political science and french in less than two months. no clue with what I was going to do with my life but assured that i squeezed the most out of my college experience. and then the concept hits me...why not be a doctor? i had been curious about it. I had considered it in a joking kind of way. but then, in the span of less than a week, I decided to do it. I extended my graduation date, changed life trajectories and finished pre-med. and then i got swept up in this whole concept of becoming a doctor and I felt like I couldn't look back. Like every time i thought about it, i felt too far along to change paths again. and I had no idea what i was getting myself in to. I had no idea how long the path would be and even what the final reward would be in the end. when I chose the pre-med route, I had no idea what the difference was between attending, fellow, resident, intern; I don't even think I knew those terms existed. and now that I do know, it boggles my mind how long this training path is. not including years off, I will have been in training for 16 years following high school graduation.
16 years.
to achieve what? certainly not fortune. my med school loans sometimes feel like an anvil on my chest or a bug in my ear, driving me crazy and crushing me under their weight. plus I have decided to go in to the worst paying specialty of them all. and i'm most likely going to go into the one of the worst paying sub-specialties as well.
certainly not fame. it's difficult to achieve any kind of wide-reaching notoriety as a doctor.
certainly not personal one-on-one care. these days, actual patient care is more often provided by nurses, nurse practitioners, physician assistants, physical therapists...pretty much everyone in the allied health profession besides doctors. as doctors, we are now relegated for the most part to teaching or research roles. pure patient care is becoming a thing of the past. it can be difficult these days to find a job purely based on taking care of patients and not requiring any kind of auxiliary services.
certainly not life-work balance. many women in this profession can't find the time or energy to be both good doctors and good wives/mothers. many women feel frustrated trying to choose between their careers and their families. shoot, I find it hard enough to spend quality time with my husband any my dog much less think about trying to start a family.
I'm really not trying to complain. honest. but working 80 hours a week, getting paid relatively little and occasionally being treated like I'm stuck to the bottom of someone's shoe really gets you down after awhile. in an overarching sense, I'm happy. I like my job. I like my co-workers. I like where I live. I love my family. but in talking to nurses and others around me, I sometimes wonder if I would have been better off pursuing that career. being a nurse seems awesome. you care directly for patients. you can be full time and work three days a week. you can travel and get paid pretty well. you can convert your job in to teaching or research or whatever you want it to be. you can switch specialties within nursing pretty easily. and you can do it all with just four years of an undergraduate degree. that's it. no additional school, no internship/residency/fellowship pathway. really the only drawback is that you have to deal with bullshit from doctors, many of whom have far fewer years of experience. and you don't ever get the final say about patient care. that's a pretty big sticking point for me. i like to be in control. or at least live under the illusion that i'm in control. and nurses do not usually have that power.
so is it worth it? i think so. like i said, i really am happy in real life. it's the thoughts that run through your head at night. when you're on call in the PICU again. and you just want to be home on the couch snuggling with your husband and your pup. that's when the doubt creeps in.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
trust me, i'm a doctor
it is quite literally the middle of the night and i have rediscovered and rekindled my interest in blogging. not because i have grand illusions that there is an audience out there for these words but more because i think it's good to have an outlet for expression. i never started keeping a journal until i was in college and i sometimes regret not having written accounts of my years prior to that. i've been too busy and too lazy to keep up with my actual journal so writing on this blog every once in awhile is better than nothing.
so here's a quick update on my life since last i wrote. i ran another marathon. i graduated from medical school. i sold my house. i got married. i went on a honeymoon. i moved to madison. i started my residency. really, that's a quick update since may. before that, i was mostly just finishing up medical school, figuring out where i was going for residency, traveled to india to work in the himalayas for a month...not that much really.
in the end, i'm here, in madison, wisconsin. i live in a really cute house that we're renting that has a huge backyard, a sweet back porch and a two car garage. and two walk-in closets. our puppy has grown in to a dog. a real life, quasi well behaved dog. she's incredible and one of the best things in the world to come home to. full body wag, mouth full of blanky and no matter how sleepy she is, pure joy that you have comehome. scruples is still scruples, yelling and screaming and carrying on if she hasn't been appropriately fed at the correct times. and tater, well he's mine now. we've been married for nearly two months now and things are going great. he's so sweet and so wonderful and has been doing everything in his power to make the transition to residency easier for me. this next month will certainly be a big challenge though, since i'll be on nights and not be able to see him much.
i've been thinking these last few hours as it's been slow once again about friendships. how, really they are extremely transient. one of the frisbee folks we met when we first moved to madison is sweet, thoughtful, athletic, kind, funny and social. we've hung out for her a couple of times, she's pet-sat for us and she's exactly the kind of person who i want to be my friend. and, sort of, she is. but she's moving in two weeks. to arizona. that's crazy! so we've cultivated this kind of strange, semi-relationship but it feels difficult to commit to a friendship when she's going to be leaving out lives so quickly.
i was writing thank you cards today to a bunch of our rochester friends from the wedding. they were actually fun to write as it made me think back on our wedding and all the awesome people were there. but i also am very aware of the fact that although i've been gone for a month and a half, i've already done a poor job of keeping in touch. i haven't sent very many personal emails. i didn't go back for the wedding there. i just haven't been able to muster the energy it takes to stay in touch.
so why is that? as people, are we so focused on instant gratification and our immediate surroundings that we are unable to put the effort in to cultivating relationships with people from afar? or is it just me?
it makes me sad to think that people who were so important to me just two months ago could fall out of my life so easily. but i guess it's not altogether a sad thing, since it's really just another part of the great circle of life.
things in madison are great. i love what i'm doing, even though i masochistically would like to be busier than i am. people i'm meeting are wonderful. the house and the neighborhood are awesome. i'm still able to exercise at least 4-5 times a week. seriously, this whole residency thing, really not that bad.
so here's a quick update on my life since last i wrote. i ran another marathon. i graduated from medical school. i sold my house. i got married. i went on a honeymoon. i moved to madison. i started my residency. really, that's a quick update since may. before that, i was mostly just finishing up medical school, figuring out where i was going for residency, traveled to india to work in the himalayas for a month...not that much really.
in the end, i'm here, in madison, wisconsin. i live in a really cute house that we're renting that has a huge backyard, a sweet back porch and a two car garage. and two walk-in closets. our puppy has grown in to a dog. a real life, quasi well behaved dog. she's incredible and one of the best things in the world to come home to. full body wag, mouth full of blanky and no matter how sleepy she is, pure joy that you have comehome. scruples is still scruples, yelling and screaming and carrying on if she hasn't been appropriately fed at the correct times. and tater, well he's mine now. we've been married for nearly two months now and things are going great. he's so sweet and so wonderful and has been doing everything in his power to make the transition to residency easier for me. this next month will certainly be a big challenge though, since i'll be on nights and not be able to see him much.
i've been thinking these last few hours as it's been slow once again about friendships. how, really they are extremely transient. one of the frisbee folks we met when we first moved to madison is sweet, thoughtful, athletic, kind, funny and social. we've hung out for her a couple of times, she's pet-sat for us and she's exactly the kind of person who i want to be my friend. and, sort of, she is. but she's moving in two weeks. to arizona. that's crazy! so we've cultivated this kind of strange, semi-relationship but it feels difficult to commit to a friendship when she's going to be leaving out lives so quickly.
i was writing thank you cards today to a bunch of our rochester friends from the wedding. they were actually fun to write as it made me think back on our wedding and all the awesome people were there. but i also am very aware of the fact that although i've been gone for a month and a half, i've already done a poor job of keeping in touch. i haven't sent very many personal emails. i didn't go back for the wedding there. i just haven't been able to muster the energy it takes to stay in touch.
so why is that? as people, are we so focused on instant gratification and our immediate surroundings that we are unable to put the effort in to cultivating relationships with people from afar? or is it just me?
it makes me sad to think that people who were so important to me just two months ago could fall out of my life so easily. but i guess it's not altogether a sad thing, since it's really just another part of the great circle of life.
things in madison are great. i love what i'm doing, even though i masochistically would like to be busier than i am. people i'm meeting are wonderful. the house and the neighborhood are awesome. i'm still able to exercise at least 4-5 times a week. seriously, this whole residency thing, really not that bad.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
happy anniversary
while it has been a bit longer than a year in the traditional time sense of things since i started this blog, it seems very much like the anniversary of my blog today, the day before i take step2. i started this blog unadvisedly in the weeks leading up to step1 and then basically abandoned it as i was lost in the throes of third year. now that i'm a much less busy fourth year and in the next 24 hours will be done with the second most difficult part of my final year of medical school, i hope to post a lot more frequently on this ol' online diary.
i have lots of internal monologue going on and can't wait to share it all with my non-existent virtual world
i have lots of internal monologue going on and can't wait to share it all with my non-existent virtual world
Thursday, August 14, 2008
i've got my O face on
that's O for olympics...i love the olympics. i don't know exactly why but i think it's a combination of having lived in a city while it hosted an olympics (however beleaguered they were), knowing that it comes around just once every four years, the crazy random palette of sports that i would never otherwise pay attention to, the sporting events on 24/7, the wonder of it all. and as a result of loving the olympics, i'm studying for the boards a whole lot less than i had intended. really, what was i thinking scheduling the boards right after the olympics end? that was myopic, at best.
i'm on derm now, a perfect elective for this time in my life...learning a ton of interesting stuff that will be applicable to both my life and studying for the boards but also a lot of free time for studying on my own. and all the derm residents are so nice; i guess it's easy to be nice when you actually work close to a normal 40 hour work week. plus derm is gross, and i'm in to that.
let's see, other updates since my last post...i'm going to be a pediatrician when i grow up and i currently own the cutest puppy ever. seriously. and we're having a really fabulous summer, weather wise. and i'm going to my first outdoor weekend frisbee tournament tomorrow since october! whoa. and i'm kinda nervous because i'm going to be seeing a lot of people i haven't seen in a while, from atlanta, from colorado, from all over the place because this tournament is kind of a big deal. i can't wait...
i'm on derm now, a perfect elective for this time in my life...learning a ton of interesting stuff that will be applicable to both my life and studying for the boards but also a lot of free time for studying on my own. and all the derm residents are so nice; i guess it's easy to be nice when you actually work close to a normal 40 hour work week. plus derm is gross, and i'm in to that.
let's see, other updates since my last post...i'm going to be a pediatrician when i grow up and i currently own the cutest puppy ever. seriously. and we're having a really fabulous summer, weather wise. and i'm going to my first outdoor weekend frisbee tournament tomorrow since october! whoa. and i'm kinda nervous because i'm going to be seeing a lot of people i haven't seen in a while, from atlanta, from colorado, from all over the place because this tournament is kind of a big deal. i can't wait...
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
dear imaginary reader, how patient you have been with me in my protracted absence. but here it is, nudging on towards the end of january and it's 4:39 in the morning and i'm awake. and i'm supposed to be. so what should i do with my late night time but re-dedicate myself to this blog. after all, there are no babies waiting to be popped out, no patients screaming for attention from the beleagured medical student and just a few hours left until the end of my second night shift. i'm on my penultimate week of my ob/gyn rotation and thus far, i can honestly say that i've loved it.
i think hooha is cool.
the cases are interesting, the vast majority of the patients are healthy, the residents aren't nearly as bad as lore would have it and i get to do a whole lot that closely resembles actual medicine. what's not to love?
part of the ob/gyn experience is doing a week of night float; five consecutive 14-15 hour shifts. and one of those shifts is followed by four and a half hours of lecture. but never fear, they let you come in two hours late the following evening because heaven forbid we would be here too much.
oh jeepers, that paragraph made it sound like i'm complaining and honestly, even though we are in the absolute wee hours of the morning, i'm not at all complaining about being here. so far this evening, i've seen four deliveries, five babies draw their first breaths and so many opportunities to be a part of one of the most sacred episodes in people's lives. and they are complete strangers! and they trust me to be in the room! and maybe even guide their baby's head out into the world for the first time! how is it that human beings can be so trustful sometimes?
but here's what's really on my mind...can a medical student ever get something just right? like right enough not to be constantly corrected for any action they make, whether involuntary or not. grip the needle like this, hold the needle-driver like that, don't touch the patient there, why are you not touching the patient there, why would you make your stitch that way, why wouldn't you make your stitch that way, ask questions, don't ask me that...it's all too much to process sometimes. and every attending and senior resident is entirely convinced that whatever they were doing is the best and only way of doing something so coming around to their opinion is not a matter of preference but rather just a matter of time.
but what it all comes down to is that everyone has their own personal preferences and what medical school and residency are all about is learning those personal quirks from scores of different mentors and somehow finding a way to mash all of those opinions into a somewhat coherent and individual style. so that one day, when i'm mentoring some tiny little med student, i can order them to do exactly as i say. because i'll be right.
anyway, i'm back into blogging so look out world! i've got to find something else to do with these long hours that stretch out before me during the night. lord knows i've already spent enough time doing other things and i've been completely inspired to return to my blog by someone i've never met, whose blog i read with voyeuristic pleasure. her blog can be found at theunderweardrawer.blogspot.com. it's amazing and i feel like maybe if i did know her, we would be friends. we're alike in many ways, both chinese but thoroughly american, both involved with whitey men, both in medicine; to add to it all, she's moving to atlanta and i spent so much of my childhood there. god bless the internets and all its glory, it makes imaginary friendships so much easier to cultivate...
i think hooha is cool.
the cases are interesting, the vast majority of the patients are healthy, the residents aren't nearly as bad as lore would have it and i get to do a whole lot that closely resembles actual medicine. what's not to love?
part of the ob/gyn experience is doing a week of night float; five consecutive 14-15 hour shifts. and one of those shifts is followed by four and a half hours of lecture. but never fear, they let you come in two hours late the following evening because heaven forbid we would be here too much.
oh jeepers, that paragraph made it sound like i'm complaining and honestly, even though we are in the absolute wee hours of the morning, i'm not at all complaining about being here. so far this evening, i've seen four deliveries, five babies draw their first breaths and so many opportunities to be a part of one of the most sacred episodes in people's lives. and they are complete strangers! and they trust me to be in the room! and maybe even guide their baby's head out into the world for the first time! how is it that human beings can be so trustful sometimes?
but here's what's really on my mind...can a medical student ever get something just right? like right enough not to be constantly corrected for any action they make, whether involuntary or not. grip the needle like this, hold the needle-driver like that, don't touch the patient there, why are you not touching the patient there, why would you make your stitch that way, why wouldn't you make your stitch that way, ask questions, don't ask me that...it's all too much to process sometimes. and every attending and senior resident is entirely convinced that whatever they were doing is the best and only way of doing something so coming around to their opinion is not a matter of preference but rather just a matter of time.
but what it all comes down to is that everyone has their own personal preferences and what medical school and residency are all about is learning those personal quirks from scores of different mentors and somehow finding a way to mash all of those opinions into a somewhat coherent and individual style. so that one day, when i'm mentoring some tiny little med student, i can order them to do exactly as i say. because i'll be right.
anyway, i'm back into blogging so look out world! i've got to find something else to do with these long hours that stretch out before me during the night. lord knows i've already spent enough time doing other things and i've been completely inspired to return to my blog by someone i've never met, whose blog i read with voyeuristic pleasure. her blog can be found at theunderweardrawer.blogspot.com. it's amazing and i feel like maybe if i did know her, we would be friends. we're alike in many ways, both chinese but thoroughly american, both involved with whitey men, both in medicine; to add to it all, she's moving to atlanta and i spent so much of my childhood there. god bless the internets and all its glory, it makes imaginary friendships so much easier to cultivate...
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
it's the most nostalgic time of the year
well perhaps not the most, but i'm feeling damn nostalgic right now. and not necessarily in the idealizing, viewing the past through rose colored glasses way. no, this is much harsher and i've actually come to believe that i was quite foolish in my youth. and let's just say that my youth incudes everything up until 3 minutes ago.
i'm not sure exactly what triggered the nostalgia. it could be me reading old journals, especially from around the time me and my boy originally got together. it was such a crazy time, doing all these things i had never done before and feeling like a rebel for one of the first times in my life. i didn't know what to think of someone really showing interest in me and pursuing me, however half-hearted it sort of was.
or it could be the calendar reading november, the month i spent in a rather ill-fated relationship last year. it was a short but extremely intense relationship, one in which i went through all the typical phases, just sped up a few notches. by the time the month ended, i was ready for the relationship to be over, like it had to be limited to the month of november and no more. and i'm thankful now that i had that experience, of being with someone different and trying someone else on for size. because after it was over, i was much more appreciative of what i had had in my past relationship and also very grateful to be single again. if gratitude is the first emotion you feel after breaking up with someone, that's probably a sign that it was good to end that relationship.
it could also be that it's been over a month since i last saw my tater and it'll still be almost two weeks until i see him again. our longest separation of these few months apart this time and it's been tough. talking on the phone and email, as close as these things keep us, are still such inadequate means of communication. i feel like i just can't express what i'm trying to say and i get much more impatient when we have such little time to share and so much about our daily lives that needs sharing. it's frustrating to deal with someone you care about so much on such a superficial level. so i'm ready for that to be over. after thanksgiving, it's only a month until we're together. and this time, it'll be for real.
it's scary to think about. being with him full time, not just when i'm on vacation and i have no real responsibilities. but with him when i'm on call for 20 hours, with him when i have shelf exams to study for, with him when i'm tired and cranky and busy. i've never been with him through any of these circumstances and i don't know what will happen when he's here. plus the fact that he still hasn't been able to sell his place and he still hasn't found a job here, it all makes me rather nervous. but i guess we'll just have to hope everything falls into place. and honestly, i've led such a charmed life so far, what's to say it just won't continue?
so now two clerkships are done, four to go. i must say, i really enjoyed neurology for many reasons, not the least of which was my intern who freaking loves neurology. he was born to be a neurologist. and certainly also worked with a lot of people who seemed much more disgruntled and much less fired up about their jobs, but good ol' nick kept me inspired that one day i'm going to find something that makes me excited to wake up each morning and keeps me going all day long. i think i might have found something that comes close already, but i don't want to jinx it. we'll just have to wait and see...
i'm not sure exactly what triggered the nostalgia. it could be me reading old journals, especially from around the time me and my boy originally got together. it was such a crazy time, doing all these things i had never done before and feeling like a rebel for one of the first times in my life. i didn't know what to think of someone really showing interest in me and pursuing me, however half-hearted it sort of was.
or it could be the calendar reading november, the month i spent in a rather ill-fated relationship last year. it was a short but extremely intense relationship, one in which i went through all the typical phases, just sped up a few notches. by the time the month ended, i was ready for the relationship to be over, like it had to be limited to the month of november and no more. and i'm thankful now that i had that experience, of being with someone different and trying someone else on for size. because after it was over, i was much more appreciative of what i had had in my past relationship and also very grateful to be single again. if gratitude is the first emotion you feel after breaking up with someone, that's probably a sign that it was good to end that relationship.
it could also be that it's been over a month since i last saw my tater and it'll still be almost two weeks until i see him again. our longest separation of these few months apart this time and it's been tough. talking on the phone and email, as close as these things keep us, are still such inadequate means of communication. i feel like i just can't express what i'm trying to say and i get much more impatient when we have such little time to share and so much about our daily lives that needs sharing. it's frustrating to deal with someone you care about so much on such a superficial level. so i'm ready for that to be over. after thanksgiving, it's only a month until we're together. and this time, it'll be for real.
it's scary to think about. being with him full time, not just when i'm on vacation and i have no real responsibilities. but with him when i'm on call for 20 hours, with him when i have shelf exams to study for, with him when i'm tired and cranky and busy. i've never been with him through any of these circumstances and i don't know what will happen when he's here. plus the fact that he still hasn't been able to sell his place and he still hasn't found a job here, it all makes me rather nervous. but i guess we'll just have to hope everything falls into place. and honestly, i've led such a charmed life so far, what's to say it just won't continue?
so now two clerkships are done, four to go. i must say, i really enjoyed neurology for many reasons, not the least of which was my intern who freaking loves neurology. he was born to be a neurologist. and certainly also worked with a lot of people who seemed much more disgruntled and much less fired up about their jobs, but good ol' nick kept me inspired that one day i'm going to find something that makes me excited to wake up each morning and keeps me going all day long. i think i might have found something that comes close already, but i don't want to jinx it. we'll just have to wait and see...
Monday, October 8, 2007
rain rain go away
i'm having some serious post-vacation letdown. i guess this always happens when i get back from a vacation but i think it's more pronounced this time for several reasons:
1) this was the longest vacation i've had in awhile, almost a week out in the LA area and then las vegas.
2) my brother just got married last night. paint me green and call me gumby, i can't believe my brother is married now!
3) even though my vacation away is now over, i still have a week before anything of substance starts. usually, i'm right back into school or the hospital after a vacation, but this time, i still have a week left of research elective, which is mostly independent research. which means i have to be self-motivated in order to get anything done. uh oh is right.
4) the weather here is really crappy right now. it's raining a ton, which i normally like. but i've been in sunny and beautiful southern california and right now, the rain doesn't seem so charming.
but alas alack, as much as i hate to admit it, a lot of it is because i'm apart from my man friend again. and after planning this trip for awhile, now it's over and it's just me and scruples again. not that i don't love scruples, but it's a different kind of love, you know.
looking back on this past week, it really was a great vacation. we got to see nate's grandparents out in california, which i think was good for all of us. nate's grammy isn't doing so well but she really seemed to be doing better when she saw nate. and while nate was spending time with her, i spent time with his grandpa jack, who really just needs someone to talk to more. since i haven't heard all of his stories yet, i just served as someone to listen and chat with. again, it reinforced my desire to work with the elderly. it feels so great to be able to spend time with someone and know you can make such a big difference in his/her life just by listening and not interrupting too much and then adding something here and there.
wow, and then my brother got married. the ceremony was simple and short and to the point and while i was initially upset that i wasn't part of the wedding party itself, i think the role that i filled in the end was good for me. i announced the couple and gave them a toast on behalf of my family and i didn't have to wear the bridesmaid dress, which would have looked not at all good on me. plus i got to do all the girly things i never get to do, like wear tons of makeup and get my hair done up with dozens of bobby pins and a gallon of hairspray. which was fun for one evening but is something i'm glad i don't do on a regular basis. when nate first saw me with all the makeup on, his reaction was less than favorable. somewhere between a retch and a squeak. but i felt the same way, it didn't even look like me in the mirror. i looked like some strange hybrid between barf from spaceballs (you know, half man half dog, he's his own best friend) and a character from memoirs of a geisha. not the best look for me.
it was great to see all my family and a lot of them were even dancing at the reception. i've decided that the prototypical chinese dance to american music is the twist. the one universal dance move to every song, no matter the beat, was something like the twist and the driving a schoolbus dance. it was hilarious.
oh and nate got the garter. notice i didn't say caught. my brother threw it into the crowd and everyone ducked out of the way like it was harboring the plague and then it just sat there on the ground. so like the good boy(friend) that he is, nate picked it up and withstood all the jeering that went along with it.
so a good time was had by all, i didn't do any of the vegas activities (i just don't have the heart or the stomach to gamble) but i had a good time with nate, my family and delphine's family. now she and my brother are off for thailand...sounds awesome.
1) this was the longest vacation i've had in awhile, almost a week out in the LA area and then las vegas.
2) my brother just got married last night. paint me green and call me gumby, i can't believe my brother is married now!
3) even though my vacation away is now over, i still have a week before anything of substance starts. usually, i'm right back into school or the hospital after a vacation, but this time, i still have a week left of research elective, which is mostly independent research. which means i have to be self-motivated in order to get anything done. uh oh is right.
4) the weather here is really crappy right now. it's raining a ton, which i normally like. but i've been in sunny and beautiful southern california and right now, the rain doesn't seem so charming.
but alas alack, as much as i hate to admit it, a lot of it is because i'm apart from my man friend again. and after planning this trip for awhile, now it's over and it's just me and scruples again. not that i don't love scruples, but it's a different kind of love, you know.
looking back on this past week, it really was a great vacation. we got to see nate's grandparents out in california, which i think was good for all of us. nate's grammy isn't doing so well but she really seemed to be doing better when she saw nate. and while nate was spending time with her, i spent time with his grandpa jack, who really just needs someone to talk to more. since i haven't heard all of his stories yet, i just served as someone to listen and chat with. again, it reinforced my desire to work with the elderly. it feels so great to be able to spend time with someone and know you can make such a big difference in his/her life just by listening and not interrupting too much and then adding something here and there.
wow, and then my brother got married. the ceremony was simple and short and to the point and while i was initially upset that i wasn't part of the wedding party itself, i think the role that i filled in the end was good for me. i announced the couple and gave them a toast on behalf of my family and i didn't have to wear the bridesmaid dress, which would have looked not at all good on me. plus i got to do all the girly things i never get to do, like wear tons of makeup and get my hair done up with dozens of bobby pins and a gallon of hairspray. which was fun for one evening but is something i'm glad i don't do on a regular basis. when nate first saw me with all the makeup on, his reaction was less than favorable. somewhere between a retch and a squeak. but i felt the same way, it didn't even look like me in the mirror. i looked like some strange hybrid between barf from spaceballs (you know, half man half dog, he's his own best friend) and a character from memoirs of a geisha. not the best look for me.
it was great to see all my family and a lot of them were even dancing at the reception. i've decided that the prototypical chinese dance to american music is the twist. the one universal dance move to every song, no matter the beat, was something like the twist and the driving a schoolbus dance. it was hilarious.
oh and nate got the garter. notice i didn't say caught. my brother threw it into the crowd and everyone ducked out of the way like it was harboring the plague and then it just sat there on the ground. so like the good boy(friend) that he is, nate picked it up and withstood all the jeering that went along with it.
so a good time was had by all, i didn't do any of the vegas activities (i just don't have the heart or the stomach to gamble) but i had a good time with nate, my family and delphine's family. now she and my brother are off for thailand...sounds awesome.
Monday, September 24, 2007
when i started this blog, i was in a period of transition. i guess that's sort of a stupid thing to say because aren't we all always in transition? but i think this was even more significant than most times; between 2nd and 3rd years of medical school making the transition from the classroom to the wards; between living by myself and having a roommate again; and little did i know, from being single to being wholly involved again.
don't worry, that last one definitely took me by surprise too.
i can't really explain how everything happened and be able to sleep at all tonight but suffice it to say that my current relationship is due mostly to two things: prometric testing centers and wilco. oh, and probably alcohol to some extent, but really not as much as one would think. and despite all the cursing and vowing and pain suffering that occurred this time last year, i am back together again with the love of my life.
am i crazy!???! do i have incredible long term memory problems that help me forget the depth and the acuity of pain i felt at his hands at this time last year? well, yes and no. what i've learned is that people can change, we can all learn lessons and it's good not to make ultimatums in life.
but i must say, 3 months into round 2 with my ground tuber, it is an interesting anniversary of sorts to recognize this past weekend. to think about how much has changed and how much i've learned since this very same weekend last year is pretty astounding. and you know what, i can remember the pain that i felt when all this went down last year and while i would never wish for it to happen again, i do feel that the lessons i learned and the person i have become because of it has somehow made it all worth it. i'm not going to speculate on what life would be like had it not happened, but it did, we've moved on, we've created something better, and for that, i am so eternally happy.
sometimes, life surprises you and makes you glad you're alive. thank you life
don't worry, that last one definitely took me by surprise too.
i can't really explain how everything happened and be able to sleep at all tonight but suffice it to say that my current relationship is due mostly to two things: prometric testing centers and wilco. oh, and probably alcohol to some extent, but really not as much as one would think. and despite all the cursing and vowing and pain suffering that occurred this time last year, i am back together again with the love of my life.
am i crazy!???! do i have incredible long term memory problems that help me forget the depth and the acuity of pain i felt at his hands at this time last year? well, yes and no. what i've learned is that people can change, we can all learn lessons and it's good not to make ultimatums in life.
but i must say, 3 months into round 2 with my ground tuber, it is an interesting anniversary of sorts to recognize this past weekend. to think about how much has changed and how much i've learned since this very same weekend last year is pretty astounding. and you know what, i can remember the pain that i felt when all this went down last year and while i would never wish for it to happen again, i do feel that the lessons i learned and the person i have become because of it has somehow made it all worth it. i'm not going to speculate on what life would be like had it not happened, but it did, we've moved on, we've created something better, and for that, i am so eternally happy.
sometimes, life surprises you and makes you glad you're alive. thank you life
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
new goals
forget medicine. forget trying to save the world. forget even the boards.
my new goal in life is pictured at left.
glen hansard. he's hot, got a beautiful voice and, as james says, he's exactly my type.
now if only mr hansard felt the same about me...
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
my flabber is so gasted
arguably, one of the most prestigious and well-respected professions in our society today is medicine. while other fields have undergone scrutiny for a perceived lack of morals (law), suspicion for alterior motives (politics) and vast underestimation and underpayment (education), the medical profession has by and large remained admired and respected by a majority of the population. we who are lucky enough to be able to be a part of this selective field work extremely hard to earn and maintain our roles within this profession. most people recognize how difficult being in medicine is, from getting into medical school to being accepted into a residency program. then how in the world is it possible that the exam that is widely recognized as the single biggest hurdle to receiving a medical degree doesn't have a back up plan??!?
ladies and gentlemen, i bring you the everlasting wisdom of the united states medical licsencing examination, step 1.
i realize that the switch to all electronic testing is a big step and one that i'm sure was taken with enormous foresight and planning. i'm sure that the powers that be made the transition into electronic testing with trepidation, knowing that the technological marvels by which we live our lives could quickly and easily come back and bite us in the collective ass.
and this week, they've taken a huge chunk out of the hindquarters of the prospective medical community of rochester ny.
the one testing center in town is experiencing some kind of irrevocable, catastrophic meltdown and thus, they've been closed all week. at this point, they are now saying that the earliest they'll be able to re-open is friday. which means four full days of testing are lost. i'm not sure how many people that center can accomodate, but it means that the busiest week of testing for rochester medical students has been wiped clean. and it's not like rescheduling is a cakewalk since students schedule their exam dates months in advance. all the centers within a five hour drive of rochester were booked (some places until july) as of a couple of hours ago; i know because i checked.
i understand that errors happen, even catastrophic ones. i understand that the people who work at the center deserve neither our wrath nor our tears because they are probably just as frustrated as we are. and i understand that this is beyond anyone's control and that no one is really to blame.
but really, how in the hell is there no back-up? how is there no plan B? how is it that even though everyone knows how fallible computers are, no one has come up with a reliable backup option for the USMLE? how hard would it be to have a paper copy? for such an important make or break examination, how can computers be the only option? i refuse to believe that the benefits don't outweigh the potential downfalls of having a paper copy on hand.
for me, everything has worked out ok. i found one testing slot open for friday in colorado springs, so i'll be able to make my flights ok on thursday and take the exam on friday and not miss out on too much of my vacation. but for many others, they've had to change travel plans; a friend of mine has had to reschedule his exam for syracuse, meaning he had to reschedule all his flights home and he'll be missing a family wedding. and, simply put, that is unacceptable. with all the stress surrounding such an important exam; shouldn't we be able to at least pick a date and stick with it?
years from now, this will merely be an anecdote to throw out there during residency interviews, a footnote to my medical education. but right now, it's a little hard to swallow. and for a profession that prides itself on its integrity and professionalism and seeks to be on the cutting edge of ingenuity, it's dropping the ball right now for its future generation.
ladies and gentlemen, i bring you the everlasting wisdom of the united states medical licsencing examination, step 1.
i realize that the switch to all electronic testing is a big step and one that i'm sure was taken with enormous foresight and planning. i'm sure that the powers that be made the transition into electronic testing with trepidation, knowing that the technological marvels by which we live our lives could quickly and easily come back and bite us in the collective ass.
and this week, they've taken a huge chunk out of the hindquarters of the prospective medical community of rochester ny.
the one testing center in town is experiencing some kind of irrevocable, catastrophic meltdown and thus, they've been closed all week. at this point, they are now saying that the earliest they'll be able to re-open is friday. which means four full days of testing are lost. i'm not sure how many people that center can accomodate, but it means that the busiest week of testing for rochester medical students has been wiped clean. and it's not like rescheduling is a cakewalk since students schedule their exam dates months in advance. all the centers within a five hour drive of rochester were booked (some places until july) as of a couple of hours ago; i know because i checked.
i understand that errors happen, even catastrophic ones. i understand that the people who work at the center deserve neither our wrath nor our tears because they are probably just as frustrated as we are. and i understand that this is beyond anyone's control and that no one is really to blame.
but really, how in the hell is there no back-up? how is there no plan B? how is it that even though everyone knows how fallible computers are, no one has come up with a reliable backup option for the USMLE? how hard would it be to have a paper copy? for such an important make or break examination, how can computers be the only option? i refuse to believe that the benefits don't outweigh the potential downfalls of having a paper copy on hand.
for me, everything has worked out ok. i found one testing slot open for friday in colorado springs, so i'll be able to make my flights ok on thursday and take the exam on friday and not miss out on too much of my vacation. but for many others, they've had to change travel plans; a friend of mine has had to reschedule his exam for syracuse, meaning he had to reschedule all his flights home and he'll be missing a family wedding. and, simply put, that is unacceptable. with all the stress surrounding such an important exam; shouldn't we be able to at least pick a date and stick with it?
years from now, this will merely be an anecdote to throw out there during residency interviews, a footnote to my medical education. but right now, it's a little hard to swallow. and for a profession that prides itself on its integrity and professionalism and seeks to be on the cutting edge of ingenuity, it's dropping the ball right now for its future generation.
Monday, June 18, 2007
reality check
so after my joyous post about my coffeeshop cutie, i went in the next day and had the longest conversation i'd had with him yet. and then he played suspicious minds for everyone to hear (well at that point, everyone was him, me and i think one other person). but we had a connection. we talked, we laughed, i told him i wanted to buy his record...it was great.
but then today, it was back to normal; sure a little banter but nothing out of the ordinary. i think our golden moment together is gone...that's ok, i was starting to feel a little too much like a desperate stalker anyway. but i do love his voice and i'm still determined to get my hands on his album at some point.
and now, back in reality-land...prometric testing services has turned against us. somehow, due to some computer glitch that i will never truly understand, they've had to cancel those taking the boards both today and tomorrow. and who knows about wednesday. shitballs, this is a big deal. a huge deal. because the only reschedule dates that are available in rochester aren't until july 10, the day after we start third year rotations.
are you kidding me??
so what are the options?
call the testing service and hope that there is an opening at a testing center somewhere within driving distance. poor emily, our flight is thursday so she's scrambling, hoping that the gods will come through and she'll be able to take her exam tomorrow. if not...it looks like we might be going down to colorado springs next monday and then leaving for utah from there. not exactly ideal but you gotta do what you gotta do.
how in the hell is there no backup to the computer system? how is that possible? this can't be the first time this has happened and it most assuredly won't be the last time. so how is there no other option for people than to reschedule? don't these people understand what kind of forethought and planning goes into scheduling a test date? do they have any idea at all?
if it were me (which it almost but not quite is), i'd be freaking out right now. tantrums would be thrown, tears would be shed, blame would be placed. but of course, with emily, the calm cool collected one, she's realizing that none of those things would be very productive so, of course, she's being mature and rational and just realizing that things will work out how they work out. one way or another, she'll take the boards, blow them out of the water and get into the very best residency program possible. which is good, because she's going to be taking care of me and my family for the foreseeable future, and we lees demand the best medical care possible.
incidentally, i spoke to the ex this evening sort of on a whim. i had talked to jess already and i just wanted to check in and see how things would work out for seeing him this weekend. and of course, towards the end of the conversation, i was once again thankful that we are no longer together. he is incapable of any kind of certainty in any of his statements and he is.....soooo.....slow....like painfully so. and then, right at the end of the conversation, right when i was ready to hang up, he did it. he gave me that little giggle, that little guttural hiccup of joy that always made me want to take him in my arms and smother him when we were together. and that made me remember why i was with him for so long, why i endured the inconceivable lack of urgency with which he tackled all tasks, from tying his shoes to ordering off of a menu. it was because i loved him.
thank god that's over.
but then today, it was back to normal; sure a little banter but nothing out of the ordinary. i think our golden moment together is gone...that's ok, i was starting to feel a little too much like a desperate stalker anyway. but i do love his voice and i'm still determined to get my hands on his album at some point.
and now, back in reality-land...prometric testing services has turned against us. somehow, due to some computer glitch that i will never truly understand, they've had to cancel those taking the boards both today and tomorrow. and who knows about wednesday. shitballs, this is a big deal. a huge deal. because the only reschedule dates that are available in rochester aren't until july 10, the day after we start third year rotations.
are you kidding me??
so what are the options?
call the testing service and hope that there is an opening at a testing center somewhere within driving distance. poor emily, our flight is thursday so she's scrambling, hoping that the gods will come through and she'll be able to take her exam tomorrow. if not...it looks like we might be going down to colorado springs next monday and then leaving for utah from there. not exactly ideal but you gotta do what you gotta do.
how in the hell is there no backup to the computer system? how is that possible? this can't be the first time this has happened and it most assuredly won't be the last time. so how is there no other option for people than to reschedule? don't these people understand what kind of forethought and planning goes into scheduling a test date? do they have any idea at all?
if it were me (which it almost but not quite is), i'd be freaking out right now. tantrums would be thrown, tears would be shed, blame would be placed. but of course, with emily, the calm cool collected one, she's realizing that none of those things would be very productive so, of course, she's being mature and rational and just realizing that things will work out how they work out. one way or another, she'll take the boards, blow them out of the water and get into the very best residency program possible. which is good, because she's going to be taking care of me and my family for the foreseeable future, and we lees demand the best medical care possible.
incidentally, i spoke to the ex this evening sort of on a whim. i had talked to jess already and i just wanted to check in and see how things would work out for seeing him this weekend. and of course, towards the end of the conversation, i was once again thankful that we are no longer together. he is incapable of any kind of certainty in any of his statements and he is.....soooo.....slow....like painfully so. and then, right at the end of the conversation, right when i was ready to hang up, he did it. he gave me that little giggle, that little guttural hiccup of joy that always made me want to take him in my arms and smother him when we were together. and that made me remember why i was with him for so long, why i endured the inconceivable lack of urgency with which he tackled all tasks, from tying his shoes to ordering off of a menu. it was because i loved him.
thank god that's over.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
the object of my affection, part 2
just as a warning, this is a relatively long story leading to a very short (but joyous) event.
i'm convinced that in order for anyone to have any connection to a city, one must have their spot. it doesn't matter what the place it, but it's the place they go to without thinking, whether it be a store, a restaurant, a grocery store or in my case, a coffeeshop.
i'm not sure why i feel such a connection to this coffeeshop, maybe because it shares a name with my last home, a place that i recall with complete and utter happiness. maybe because it opened its doors right around the time i moved to town, thus we share the same residence time here in rochester. maybe it's because it has had its share of adversity as have i, even though the truck that hit me was only in a proverbial sense. maybe because it's a five minute bike ride from my house. or maybe, just maybe, it's because of the really cute guy that has worked there ever since the beginning. why don't we call him EC (for eye candy)
from my first time in the coffeeshop, i noticed EC, so cute and cool behind both his thick brown beard and the wooden bar covered in locally baked delectables. serving each customer with ease and a smile, he was someone i looked forward to seeing, someone whom i immediately had a crush on but i realized would serve only a passing role in my life. so that if my life were ever turned in to a movie, the guy who played his role probably wouldn't even be in the credits. but he was there nonetheless, brightening that part of my day that would otherwise be occupied solely by the glumness of studying.
i took a break from my coffeeshop for a few months this past winter for many reasons; the guy i had been dating was also a regular there and i wanted to avoid as much as humanly possible the awkward run-in (although it did happen once and because it was so packed, we were forced to share a table). also, they put in new doors after the aforementioned truck ran into the front of it and those things were damn drafty. so if it was 20degrees outside, it was only a smidgen warmer inside and, it turns out, my southern-raised brain doesn't really function in the frigidity. but also a contributing reason was that he wasn't there any more. when i did drop by to study for a few hours, he was never there. sure, the people who worked there were always nice and polite but there was something about him. so when he wasn't there, neither was i. i just figured my timing was off, that he was working different shifts than he used to, and it wasn't that big of a deal, i knew that in due time, i would find another anonymous crush to never say anything of substance to.
that changed a bit once i started studying for the boards. i started going back to my coffeeshop, more than ever in fact. and he reappeared, one morning, yawning unabashedly and saying that he just started working mornings again, something i truly understood. so we would exchange pleasantries, i would revel in his cuteness and then scuttle off to my table to immerse myself in cytokines or whatever the topic of the day was.
but today, things were a little bit different. instead of working behind the bar this morning, he was playing a gig out back on the patio. i saw the signs so i planned to take a study break and listen to him play for a little while. like a true townie, he isn't just an employee at the local coffeeshop, he's also an artist, a musician trying to make it. i love that, it takes me back to my days working at clocked! in downtown athens, with all the townies trying to make ends meet while they chased their dream of musical...what? fame? fortune? or was it just the process that mattered? anyway, i could go on for awhile, but the fact remains that EC also sings and plays the guitar. and while i had heard tell of him playing around town, i had never actually heard him play before today. i'm not sure why, i love listening to local music and i clearly would look at EC all day if i had my druthers. maybe because i didn't want to ruin the facade of his perfection. because if wasn't a good singer or musician, what would become of my goal-less and yet important crush?
but i faced that challenge today, and let me tell you, EC is more than just eye candy. the boy is talented. he has an amazing voice, one that covers octaves and emotions with ease. he sat there, on the second landing of the stairs leading to the upstairs apartment, with his aviator shades, his guitar and his magic hat no. 9 and he bared his soul. it was beautiful. i listened to the first set with a smattering of other people on the back patio, feeling amazed to be in such a setting with EC. but then he took a break, i realized it was almost 2:00 and i had to get back to studying. so sadly, i missed the 2nd set.
anyway, this all leads up to what happened later in the evening. as a part of the jazz fest, rusted root was playing a free show outdoors at east and alexander so a bunch of us took our bikes and went. and it was packed. i went to toots and the maytals last night and i thought it was crowded, but there were easily three times as many people (including some kids from penfield's ultimate team) there tonight. so as we were making our way closer to the stage, fighting our way through the huddled masses, who should i see from across the distance but EC...what are the odds? and before i knew it, there he was in front of me, smiling and saying, "hey, how ya doin?" and in my infinite wit and coolness, all i managed to mutter was a very awkward "hi."
story of my life. i actually get acknowledged by someone i've had a crush on for nearly two years, and all i manage to do is croak out "hi." i'm sure that left an impression.
but let's focus on the positive. he recognized me! he acknowledged me! and while i'm sure he doesn't actually know my name or anything about me other than that i'm a medical student who likes to ride her bike, i'm still in his realm.
wow, i'm still reveling. those five little syllables uttered from his lips have pretty much made my night. it's a wonderful thing to be easily amused and an active imagination.
i'm convinced that in order for anyone to have any connection to a city, one must have their spot. it doesn't matter what the place it, but it's the place they go to without thinking, whether it be a store, a restaurant, a grocery store or in my case, a coffeeshop.
i'm not sure why i feel such a connection to this coffeeshop, maybe because it shares a name with my last home, a place that i recall with complete and utter happiness. maybe because it opened its doors right around the time i moved to town, thus we share the same residence time here in rochester. maybe it's because it has had its share of adversity as have i, even though the truck that hit me was only in a proverbial sense. maybe because it's a five minute bike ride from my house. or maybe, just maybe, it's because of the really cute guy that has worked there ever since the beginning. why don't we call him EC (for eye candy)
from my first time in the coffeeshop, i noticed EC, so cute and cool behind both his thick brown beard and the wooden bar covered in locally baked delectables. serving each customer with ease and a smile, he was someone i looked forward to seeing, someone whom i immediately had a crush on but i realized would serve only a passing role in my life. so that if my life were ever turned in to a movie, the guy who played his role probably wouldn't even be in the credits. but he was there nonetheless, brightening that part of my day that would otherwise be occupied solely by the glumness of studying.
i took a break from my coffeeshop for a few months this past winter for many reasons; the guy i had been dating was also a regular there and i wanted to avoid as much as humanly possible the awkward run-in (although it did happen once and because it was so packed, we were forced to share a table). also, they put in new doors after the aforementioned truck ran into the front of it and those things were damn drafty. so if it was 20degrees outside, it was only a smidgen warmer inside and, it turns out, my southern-raised brain doesn't really function in the frigidity. but also a contributing reason was that he wasn't there any more. when i did drop by to study for a few hours, he was never there. sure, the people who worked there were always nice and polite but there was something about him. so when he wasn't there, neither was i. i just figured my timing was off, that he was working different shifts than he used to, and it wasn't that big of a deal, i knew that in due time, i would find another anonymous crush to never say anything of substance to.
that changed a bit once i started studying for the boards. i started going back to my coffeeshop, more than ever in fact. and he reappeared, one morning, yawning unabashedly and saying that he just started working mornings again, something i truly understood. so we would exchange pleasantries, i would revel in his cuteness and then scuttle off to my table to immerse myself in cytokines or whatever the topic of the day was.
but today, things were a little bit different. instead of working behind the bar this morning, he was playing a gig out back on the patio. i saw the signs so i planned to take a study break and listen to him play for a little while. like a true townie, he isn't just an employee at the local coffeeshop, he's also an artist, a musician trying to make it. i love that, it takes me back to my days working at clocked! in downtown athens, with all the townies trying to make ends meet while they chased their dream of musical...what? fame? fortune? or was it just the process that mattered? anyway, i could go on for awhile, but the fact remains that EC also sings and plays the guitar. and while i had heard tell of him playing around town, i had never actually heard him play before today. i'm not sure why, i love listening to local music and i clearly would look at EC all day if i had my druthers. maybe because i didn't want to ruin the facade of his perfection. because if wasn't a good singer or musician, what would become of my goal-less and yet important crush?
but i faced that challenge today, and let me tell you, EC is more than just eye candy. the boy is talented. he has an amazing voice, one that covers octaves and emotions with ease. he sat there, on the second landing of the stairs leading to the upstairs apartment, with his aviator shades, his guitar and his magic hat no. 9 and he bared his soul. it was beautiful. i listened to the first set with a smattering of other people on the back patio, feeling amazed to be in such a setting with EC. but then he took a break, i realized it was almost 2:00 and i had to get back to studying. so sadly, i missed the 2nd set.
anyway, this all leads up to what happened later in the evening. as a part of the jazz fest, rusted root was playing a free show outdoors at east and alexander so a bunch of us took our bikes and went. and it was packed. i went to toots and the maytals last night and i thought it was crowded, but there were easily three times as many people (including some kids from penfield's ultimate team) there tonight. so as we were making our way closer to the stage, fighting our way through the huddled masses, who should i see from across the distance but EC...what are the odds? and before i knew it, there he was in front of me, smiling and saying, "hey, how ya doin?" and in my infinite wit and coolness, all i managed to mutter was a very awkward "hi."
story of my life. i actually get acknowledged by someone i've had a crush on for nearly two years, and all i manage to do is croak out "hi." i'm sure that left an impression.
but let's focus on the positive. he recognized me! he acknowledged me! and while i'm sure he doesn't actually know my name or anything about me other than that i'm a medical student who likes to ride her bike, i'm still in his realm.
wow, i'm still reveling. those five little syllables uttered from his lips have pretty much made my night. it's a wonderful thing to be easily amused and an active imagination.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
the object of my affection
well truly, that would have to be my cat, scruples. she is an overweight, short-tempered, lazy, complaining bitch and i love her incredibly. i willingly let her scratch and bite me (i say it's out of love, but we all know the truth here) and i'm not entirely convinced she isn't spending her days planning my demise while she pretends to be "sleeping." she's sitting here right now, on the off chance that i'm going to forget that i already fed her for the day and maybe put a bit more kibble into her plastic green bowl.
she wasn't always on the brink of having feline metabolic syndrome. in fact, when i first got her from lollipop farms, she was quite underweight, at just under 9 pounds. the vet said i should just feed her as much as she wants, partially to get her more comfortable in my house and partially so she would be less worried about where her next meal would come from. well she stopped worrying a long time ago and by the time i took scruples back to the vet about two months ago, she had gained over 6 pounds. that's right, she weighed in at exactly 15 pounds. this was enough of a weight gain for the vet tech to sit me down and explain to me how grave a situation i had created for scruples.
but never fear, i understood the situation and faithfully cut her back to 2/3 cup per day. and scruples has not forgiven me since. she wakes me up at 3:40 if i let her roam freely about the house and at 5:50 now that i've banished her to the downstairs at night. i wake up every morning to the sound of her little paws scraping against my pocket door, squealing over the injustices of hunger i have sentenced her to. when i finally come downstairs to relieve her aching belly (which incidentally nearly touches the floor as she strolls about the house) she turns her back on me, leading me straight to the aforementioned green bowl, hoping against hope that i'll fill it up even more this time.
i know what it's like to be hungry and i don't want my little devil cat to feel those pangs. but it's for the best. for her, for me, for her hip joints...but it sure does make me guilty when i eat. inevitably, i eat more than her and as i'm preparing something for myself and i look down at her huge eyes filled with curiosity and maybe some jealousy, i feel i have to justify my eating habits to her. i tell her that i just went for a run or played frisbee for two hours or that i'm just plain bigger than her and thus need more sustenance. i don't know if she understands and accepts my gluttony or if she just adds it to the long list of reasons to take me down when i least expect it.
she wasn't always on the brink of having feline metabolic syndrome. in fact, when i first got her from lollipop farms, she was quite underweight, at just under 9 pounds. the vet said i should just feed her as much as she wants, partially to get her more comfortable in my house and partially so she would be less worried about where her next meal would come from. well she stopped worrying a long time ago and by the time i took scruples back to the vet about two months ago, she had gained over 6 pounds. that's right, she weighed in at exactly 15 pounds. this was enough of a weight gain for the vet tech to sit me down and explain to me how grave a situation i had created for scruples.
but never fear, i understood the situation and faithfully cut her back to 2/3 cup per day. and scruples has not forgiven me since. she wakes me up at 3:40 if i let her roam freely about the house and at 5:50 now that i've banished her to the downstairs at night. i wake up every morning to the sound of her little paws scraping against my pocket door, squealing over the injustices of hunger i have sentenced her to. when i finally come downstairs to relieve her aching belly (which incidentally nearly touches the floor as she strolls about the house) she turns her back on me, leading me straight to the aforementioned green bowl, hoping against hope that i'll fill it up even more this time.
i know what it's like to be hungry and i don't want my little devil cat to feel those pangs. but it's for the best. for her, for me, for her hip joints...but it sure does make me guilty when i eat. inevitably, i eat more than her and as i'm preparing something for myself and i look down at her huge eyes filled with curiosity and maybe some jealousy, i feel i have to justify my eating habits to her. i tell her that i just went for a run or played frisbee for two hours or that i'm just plain bigger than her and thus need more sustenance. i don't know if she understands and accepts my gluttony or if she just adds it to the long list of reasons to take me down when i least expect it.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
this could be a bad idea
inspired by my friends who have shared their thoughts and ideas in such fora and eager to enter this new generation of electronic communication, i have created this blog, which i expect (and maybe even hope!??) few will ever read. having never been a part of facebook or myspace or even instant messaging, i don't really know what to expect from this new-fangled piece of technology known as blogging. if i don't tell anyone about it, will it be a complete secret from the world? will i then be able to record all of my feelings without fear of anyone actually knowing them? will this blog end up being the electronic version of that damn tree in the forest that can't seem to stand up on its own?
regardless, entering into the blogging world at this point in my life can be nothing but a bad idea. i have 8 days until i take the boards, followed by two weeks of unfettered vacation time and then (cue scary theme music) five weeks of surgery! so why am i starting this blog now when i have plenty of other things to focus on? maybe it's because i'm fully aware of how lonely my life has the potential to become over these next few months. maybe it's because i know that over this next year, i will be making some huge life-defining decisions and i want to be able to go back somewhere down the line and figure out exactly how those decisions actually got made. or maybe because i'm much faster at typing than writing long hand and thus, i never write in my journal anymore. well...hard tellin not knowin
regardless, entering into the blogging world at this point in my life can be nothing but a bad idea. i have 8 days until i take the boards, followed by two weeks of unfettered vacation time and then (cue scary theme music) five weeks of surgery! so why am i starting this blog now when i have plenty of other things to focus on? maybe it's because i'm fully aware of how lonely my life has the potential to become over these next few months. maybe it's because i know that over this next year, i will be making some huge life-defining decisions and i want to be able to go back somewhere down the line and figure out exactly how those decisions actually got made. or maybe because i'm much faster at typing than writing long hand and thus, i never write in my journal anymore. well...hard tellin not knowin
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